Untitled

You know those days when it just seems like you are stuck in the mud? When there is just so much to get done, but you can't move your feet? There is always something I've forgotten to do, someone I've forgotten to call. I never seem to be ahead, rather just one step behind. I work as hard as I can to do the things that others have no problem with, but I never seem to get it down like they do. I keep working even when everyone is taking a break and having fun, but they never even notice. It's like when someone has taken your seat in the car or you chair at the lunch table. My life slowly becomes centered around one thing, and involves only myself and a few uninterested bystanders. I wish there was a happy medium where I could still get my work done and have time to be myself. My down time is the weekends at my part-time job. This week I know I have a lot of work to get done, but most of them I can get done in a few hours. Why, then, do I still feel behind. It's only Tuesday, but I feel like it is the hour before a test and I haven't studied anything. I hope this isn't just an endless cycle of me being behind and trying to catch up. If there were a way to somehow get caught up, then I would do it. Maybe writing these entries is a waste of precious time, but I have to. My only outlet is myself and my books. Even if I have no time for my friends or any social life at all, at least I have my thoughts. Jumbled and full of nonsense, they are mine.

A healthy dose of life

Today is Wednesday, but it feels like a Monday. I get so sick of repeating the same thing over and over again that I start to forget the date, week, month, etc. It starts to feel like a never ending cycle of new material and more studying (student + dying). But I do get paid today, It might not be enough to pay the rest of my tuition, but it is enough to buy more highlighters and cereal, and maybe even a bottle of wine now that I'm able to. As much as I whine and complain about my work load, I know that I enjoy it. I hate being bored and feeling unproductive. At least I know that everything I do today, and not tomorrow, makes me a stronger person and sets me ahead of the game for later on in life.

A letter to an old friend

The only beauty I see is you
When I wake in the morning I am greeted by your radiance
I am mesmerized by your love and kindness
You are the life force within me and no brighter day could exist
I live each day thankful for your grace and my salvation

You are love, you are kindness, you are life and the life within the walls of this wretched heart
Rend my heart and make it into your will
Show me your love and make me whole

Sincerely yours,
A lost soul

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY!
Come again some other day.

Old styles die hard

Life is a corset you can't take off.
It suffocates you and nobody notices.
Ignore the pain and you make it through another day.
Don't fight it.
The absence of Life is Death.

Rain Cloud

I found you, my dear old friend.
I was wondering where you went, why the sun came to visit.
I know now that you are always there, somewhere near.
Waiting to shade me and keep me cool.

Thinking

I tend to think rather negatively
But look for the positive
I guess that makes a rather uneventful person
Or just really confused

Suburbia at it's best.

Has anyone ever noticed the smell around here? The sweet smell of septic systems of every neighbor for miles around. Maybe I'm crazy, but everyone else seems to ignor it. It's like everyone pretends that it's not there because that would mean that their home isn't perfect. It would mean that there is something distasteful about it. Everyone wants to be the same. Every house has its unique cookie cutter design. Made to look the same as the Johnson's but prove that theirs has more value. When I drive into town, I roll past rows and rows of plastic lawn ornaments and houses that look exactly like the one next to them, suburbia at its best. It's all a facade we put on, though. Nothing is ever as it seems. You may drive past an ordinary house, then later find out that an axe murderer lived there, or a drunken father beat his family within the confinement of those walls. But it is no different than the one next to it, right? It makes me realize that everything we put on to make us look better in front of the Johnsons, or anything we do to make ourselves seem better than what we really are, just makes us a bunch of dressed up trash cans. It's ridiculous really, how we do things that make us miserable just to impress people around us. It gives us a false sense of secruity. We think that for the time being, we are at the top of the totempole. We are safe behind our mask of face paint and plastic lawn ornaments. Maybe that's exactly what we want, to experience a little bit of insanity before we die. Maybe the thought of being able to escape this twisted place we call reality is what makes us put on all these performances. If we can't be better than anyone but ourselves, we might as well put on the paint and pretend to be God himself. Ignor all the smelly sewage fumes, the borringness of suburbia, and the fakeness of teenie bopper trageties, and make believe that we are no more ourselves than that trash can sitting at the end of our pea-gravel driveways.

Complexity

Complexity, ah complexity. Alienation in its finest form. No matter how much sense something may make to me, to another it sounds like insanity. What is the point of being original if it is just something someone can analyze so that they can do something just like it. Originality is way too highly regarded. Just because insight comes from experience and wisdom, doesn't mean that the young simple are incapable of achieving it. Even though my age seems incapable of reason and morality, we are just as able to move and captivate the ideas and memories of a human soul. Will the laziness of left and right hands be my cage. In the vista of time, ideas are what remains. Flesh decays and becomes again part of the earth, wood rots, fads die; but the revelations and sheer moments of genius of man, recorded in the hearts of all and in the laws of nature live on. No matter how many Books are Burned, the ideas and facts are still there, created by its master; commander. Why, therefore, is beauty and grace all that is encouraged? Should we not focus on elevation of the human mind? Hands guide and persuade. What is right cannot be determined by the bias, the proud, and the powerful. What is right, is what man does. Not from guidance or persuasion, but what is created beneath his breast and conveyed in all its complexity.

A question of the internal persona...

Ever feel like sometimes the only way to feel better is sit on the floor and just stare at the ceiling looking for answers? Yeah me neither. Lately I haven't really felt like I know where I'm going. Sure I know that I'm a pre-med major who wants to go to med school, but what else? Is that really how I define myself, by my studies? In early high school I had this source of identity that came from my tendency to be an introvert and stay home most of the time. I never did anything wrong, and I never had any fun. That all changed when I moved and I found people who were worth talking to. I didn't feel like I was wasting my breath just to be noticed or to fit in with the rest of the crowd. I felt like I was a part of something, and that I was right where I was supposed to be, for the first time in my life. Now everything seems to be white washed. Like everything that I've worked towards is just a faint memory of what should have been. Friends just don't seem the same as they were. I spend less time trying to hang out, and making an effort to get something together just for the sake of having something to do, and more time working and studing. Is it just that people have changed and that they don't mean what they once did to me, or am I changing? Maybe I'm not supposed to know yet. Maybe this is my chance to see who I really am and what exactly I'm looking for. Am I crazy to think that things can and should go back to the way they once were when the hilight of my week was getting a chance to see my friends? I miss the days when we were able to enjoy eachother's company. What ever happened to casual brunch or a walk down to the railroad tracks? Just for a chance to be a part of one another's lives. My friends have all become so distant and almost nonexistant in my life. I see them hanging out with eachother and never getting an invite. Thats what leads me to think that I'm the one who is changing. But can't think of any way I've changed. Yes, I've cut my hair and maybe bought a few new shirts in the past few months, but I still think the same thoughts and say the same things. Why should hanging out and listening to them be any different than they were 12 months ago? Maybe I'm behind times and what I need is a reality check. Life is changing all around us and there is nothing we can do to stop it. People get sick, you get a bad test grade, life goes on. It's time to get over it.