The Symphony Begins

My slate is clean and so is my mind. My song has just begun. I can see the faint light as the strings pick up. The rhythm is my heart beat as this euphoric sensation pulses through my veins. I find myself looking forward to the sparatic and spontaneous lulls where an ounce of passion and frustration are added. In a second it is gone and the song begins to pick up, gradually growing more and more intense. As the pace quickens, my heart ebbs harder. As my melody soars above the clouds and over the sun, bits of my soul return to me. The fizzyness and gleams of my personality return to normal and I feel at ease. No snare or sharp note can ruin my symphony now.

I hit the replay button in hopes of it never ending. No more new songs, I like this one just fine.

A Little Bird

The strangest thing happened to me the other day, I was walking on my way back to my dorm and there was a bird just sitting in the grass. Normally this wouldn't seem at all out of the ordinary, but as I got closer it just sat there. I walked up to the bird and just stared at it for a while. I wasn't even sure if it was real or if it was injured. I set my foot next to it, and it just pecked at it, so I knew it was real. I then prodded it with my foot, and as soon as I touched it, it took off and flew into a near by tree. I didn't think anything of it at first, but now that I'm sitting in my dorm room at 12:44 am., I'm wondering if it is some sick and twisted metaphor sign from God. I really hope that he isn't trying to tell me something like once I'm finally within reach of what I want, It flies away. As soon as I touch it and get to imagine and dream of what it might be like to actually hold and enjoy what I've worked for, only to have it all just disappear. If so, then I think God is really trying my patience. I have worked too hard for everything that I have right now, to have it all just vanish. If everything I've put up with and everything that I've dealt with to get this far was all for nothing, then I'm really wondering what the point is. If all we ever do is work for something that we cannot attain, why are we working for? The journey? Yes, I know that life isn't all about the end product, or the last note in a symphony. But for once I would like for the journey to have something at the end, something to look forward to. If I have something that I really want and care about enough, then it doesn't matter how hard the journey was. If I can achieve what I'm working for, then everything will be worth while. But if for some far out reason, my life is like that bird, just sitting there waiting for me to try and get it, and then fly away once I get close enough, then I just don't see the point in it. Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions, or maybe I'm just sleep deprived, but maybe I'm right...

Surprise

Have you ever just had one of those days where you're expecting someone to come out and yell "SURPRISE" and tell you that everything you've been experiencing for the past however long has just been a funny prank pulled by some of your friends? It always seems like once we finally find something we can count on and rely on, it all comes to an end or changes in some way that it's no longer a constant in your life. I realize that if everything were that simple, our lives would be perfect and no one would really have anything to complain about except being tricked. But even still, being tricked is better than having your whole world changed. When I first started college, I didn't know what to expect. I was so scared that I would be behind everyone and that I wasn't smart enough to even be in college. I was worried about the kind of friends that I would make and the ones I would keep. I never expected it to be as fun as it was. First semester of my freshman year was amazing! I had so much fun and made so many good memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life, but I later came to the realization that college isn't as much fun as I thought it was. I always feel the constant need to be better than others, because that's what my parents expect of me. Neither of them went to college. My dad took about 1 year at tech. school and that was it, so naturally I know more than they do. I'm more knowledgeable than them in math, science, english, and most history. It just comes from the fact that they have never had any continuing education. So because I have more education than they do, they expect me to be better than everyone else. I feel like I have to be the best, and so when I fail at something I feel like I've done the absolute worst I could have done. This semester I seem to be failing at everything. I can't even keep my emotions in check. I used to be so good at hiding my feelings and keeping them at bay. I could pent them up and then vent on a blog or something where they weren't bothering anyone. Like I said, I used to be good at this. Once I started making good friends, and I was able to talk about my feelings, they never quit coming. No matter how hard I tried, I would always end up spilling my guts to my roommate or my other good friends. I feel like I've fallen apart and I don't even know where to start the mending. There are tears in everyone's clothes unless you have enough money to buy everything you want. I know that i just have to keep mending and patching until I can get it under control again...

Magic Ball

Ever feel like the world is going to come crashing to an end? Yeah, me neither. Well if you did, you would know what it feels like to want to get everything taken care of in one second. If we were to, in an instant, be able to achieve everything we ever wanted, no matter how hard it is, I'll bet that most of us would take that chance. Some times I wonder if I'm even doing the right thing b y taking my time and working things out. I mean, is waiting for the sun to come out the best way to get a tan? I can't just sit around and wait for my life to start. I want so much for my future, but I'm limited to how much I can affect it right now. Sure I could get a job and invest in something or put it away and save up for something important, but I feel like I need to be doing something physical. If having success today was based on willingness to go out and work for what you want, I would be right at the top. I'm sort of a workaholic. I sometimes take too much responsibility at once, and I can never seam to get everything just right. I get everything done, but they're all lacking in some respect. Like in school, I can take 15 hours and get all A's, but instead, I take 19 hours and end up getting a couple of B's. I know that it's not that bad, but what happens later on when I try to take on too much and I end up living with my parents again? Am I really ready to enter into the world by myself and take my life into my own hands? I'm not sure if I can handle it. I heard a story from my old youth pastor about a guy who found a ball with a string in it. When he pulled the string, his life fast forwarded 5 minutes. He thought it was amazing and wanted to do it again. He kept pulling the string to get class over and eventually got sick of school and decided to give the string one really hard yank and he had gone years into the future. Throughout the rest of his life, he continued to pull the string when times got tough and cheating his way through life. Eventually when he got to be in his 80's, he looked back on his life and realized that he had missed out on everything. He wanted it all to go by so fast that he forgot to live. Life is about working through all the kinks and not taking shortcuts just because it is the easiest way out. I know that I have to wait and work as hard as I can to get what I want, but sometimes I wish I had a magic ball that would transport me through the tough times in my life. Man, wouldn't that be nice. To only live during the good times, but how fair would that be to those people who had to live through it all? Hmmm....